Have you kissed dating good-bye?

27 Jan

According to a recent national survey by researchers at Rutgers University, 94 percent of singles stated that they want to marry their soul mate.  However, many of them acknowledged a lack of confidence in being able to achieve this goal. Below are two stories from individuals who obviously followed their hearts but forgot to consult their head in their relationships.

Listen to Marks’ story, he’s thirty-eight, and at the end of a three-year relationship:

I felt sorry for Jenell the first time we talked. She was going through a divorce from a real jerk who cheated on her. I wondered how any guy could do something like that to her; she was so beautiful and nice. She told me she had never been treated or loved in the ways that I took care of her. When I heard about her screwed-up family, I realized why she seemed to feel so “at home” with jerks. It felt great to give her love, something she said she really never had.  Around the fourth month of dating, however, Jenell became moody and picked fights with me, as if she wanted to be mad. I kept trying to make things better, and they were, for a while, but then she would go back into her shell. I should not have stayed with her so long. Why do I always get into the relationships where I am the giver?

Now, let’s listen to Tasha, twenty-eight, at the end of a five-year relationship:

The thing that impressed me most when I met Duane (thirty-one) was that he was so good with my six-year old son. He always talked to him, horsed around and played with him, and would even bring him surprises when he came to my apartment to see me. Being a single mother, I easily fell in love with the father my son never had. I was bothered by the way Duane became harsh sometimes with me, but I wrote if off as just a bad mood. And anyway, you’ve got to take the bad with the good. We married on our first anniversary of going out, but from that time on he was never the same. He had frequent rages and treated me just like his father had treated his mother. I never thought he would act like that; he had been so different before we married. How do I miss the signs of what he was going to be like in marriage?

Do these stories sound familiar? Do you know someone making the same mistakes? Is there really a way to follow your heart and include your head when it comes down to relationships? Yes, there is. I teach a singles class which is comprised of both male and female with ages ranging from 22 to 70 something.

A few months ago our discussion was fun, thought provoking and interactive. Everyone brought a unique perspective to the table.  The one thing we had in common was that we agreed that it is insanity to keep doing same thing and expecting different results. Everyone confessed that we really didn’t  know as much about relationships that we thought we did. Many people have learned about relationships from watching their parents or older siblings,  televison shows, reading novels and friends. Even with that, what made have worked for others, may not necessarily be right for you. To thine own self be true.
Grant it, we’ve all dated before, right? But that doesn’t mean that we knew what we were doing. If the truth be told just like Marc and Tasha many of us had no clue about dating. How many times have we chosen to date  people for all the wrong reasons.? For some of us it’s too many to count.

But does that mean that we have to kiss dating good-bye? No, it does not. It means that single adults need new information to get the kind of results they want. When you are exposing yourself to  information to help you establish a  foundation for healthy, balanced relationships you are preparing yourself with the tools need for a fulfilling marriage.

During our singles class with pen and paper in hand some of questions we answered and discussed ranged from: Do you enjoy being single? How have you chosen the people you’ve dated in the past? Would you do it that same way today? On a scale of 1 to 10 do you feel that you are prepared for marriage? to questions like How would you know if you are ready to date? Do you feel whole without a mate? Have you resolved past relationships hurts?

The answers to these questions were very interesting.  Questions like these makes you think. And while we haven’t touched the tip of the iceberg, everyone went away excited and looking forward to coming together again for more relationship empowerment.

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